Fairy Wings

Cold hearted days come to
cheap smokey motels
and my wrists ache for
that feeling

Sitting here, pimple-faced, lard-bodied, old, wishing you were here, wishing you told me things.

Looked at your pictures, only one of the captions I understood. The rest a slap in the face that you never tell me any fun silly stories and my life is so boring you hear everything.

I miss you and I wish I didn't constantly feel like I was losing you.

The world is brighter
a shade of happy yellow, with a bit of contented pink. Soft sunset pink.

You can call me when you miss me. You do call me when you miss me. You don't need a reason to talk to me, because you just want to. You want to just call me. You see me the way I see you. This fact is still astounding and unbelievable to me.

But I'm starting to believe it.


I don't trust people easily. You know this in its basic form. But I also don't trust people to be honest with themselves. Because I spent 2+ years being untruthful to myself, hiding my true emotions, I feel as though everyone else does it too. Sometimes I think you're just convincing yourself that you love me. You really believe you do, but if you were to do some intense soul searching, you'd find out that you really think I'm a crazy jealous fucking bitch who you shouldn't waste your time on. So I get crazier and crazier and more jealous and it just escalates and I can't control it.

Well not anymore. At least not today. You're on the soul-searching adventure of a lifetime. And you're still with me. And you are still putting in effort. And you call me just because you miss me. I don't know why this means so much to me, but it does. You just called cuz you missed me. You didn't call because I told you to, or because I was sad, or because you needed something from me...you just called because you miss me...because you love me...because you like me...!

And I will finish my essays and get my applications in and feel less stressed and get sleep and my skin will clear up and I will have a social life again and have great fucking times and tell you about them as you tell me about your great fucking times and we'll have AMAZING fucking times together while you are home.

All I will ask from now on, is that when you are here, please be here and not somewhere else. Mentally I mean. If you are having trouble, let me know. I'll understand. I'm not perfect. Far from it. It happens to me too. Just let me know as soon as you know.

But right now, I'm here. I'm all here. I'm in reality, and I'm enjoying it.

Who knew?

I just called Edie. Twice. Hung up both times before the message machine beeped. Considered emailing, but haven't. (yet?)

I am not okay. We are not okay. I am saddened by everything that reminds me of you right now. Which is basically everything. And I should have had all my applications done by the beginning of November. But I didn't. Because I can't do anything right that I really want to do.

I'm lost. I can't think. I should be leaving a message for Edie, or texting you so you think we're okay, or eating food, or smiling, or writing essays. But no. Instead, I'm sitting here, typing out a blog, crying, and feeling like the most worthless person in the world.

It hurts. I can't even get these words out right. I know you like me. I know you love me. I know you appreciate me. I know all of this. But if the person who likes me and loves me and appreciates me can't put in a little extra effort, or make me feel good at all, I must not deserve it.

I'm going to go to bed soon.

I'm incredibly sorry if I start hurting myself again.

Goodnight, lover.

Lover;

We are both people. We both need more than each other. We also need to give all of ourselves up to make this work. This doesn't necessarily mean sharing every secret, just not purposefully keeping anything.

You know how you actually like being told what is wrong with you so you know what you should fix? I like that too. I just got finished rereading those three entries you wrote when you lied. You shared some criticisms of me that I needed to hear. Sometimes, because you don't criticize me too much, some problems I know about seem not to exist because you never bring them up. It's almost as if, even though I know you notice them too, they aren't real because...because maybe you don't notice them...or maybe they aren't that big of a deal...even though I know that isn't true at all.

Also: we both need to better ourselves. And I think we need to approach it from ourselves and for ourselves. If we better ourselves just for this relationship, that isn't healthy. That is changing for the benefit of a person who might leave or a relationship that may not last. Most, if not all of the problems we've pointed out in each other are not just detrimental to this relationship, it's detrimental to ourselves. If we fix it for ourselves, it'll be fixed in the relationship. And it'll benefit the relationship better if we do it for ourselves. Then we can bring it to the relationship rather than having it there and forgetting it in real life.

And Emily...we need to change. Not just our flaws, but as people. We cannot be the people we were when we met. We aren't those people anymore. And that's a good thing, an incredibly good thing. Remember how scared I was at the beginning? I thought I'd get bored...I said yes because we'd change. We need to change to stay us. Stagnant things don't mix well with me. I am with you because you'll change. Don't think that I'll break up with you if you're a slightly different person. And don't let me think that I need to if you're different. You're still Emily Frye, and I'm still Heather Farr, and we're still Us, there's just a different color to play with. I am with you because we will change. I just have to remind myself that every now and then.

But this change happens naturally. You can't purposefully adjust your personality. Change will happen. You have grown so much since we started dating. Don't look at your blog and think you're stuck. Your changes are harder to pick out, harder to put into words. But I also know that you've shared more with me than you thought you would at the beginning of this relationship, even when you were the person more ready to dive. Don't think I've forgotten that I used to be more closed off than you. I think that label fluxuates. Just like who has the power, or is patronizing, or thinks they are the protector, or thinks they are smarter...I don't think having the power shared in a non-equal way is necessarily bad until it is always that one person who has the power. Sharing isn't always about being entirely equal, but about being equal with the time spent...does that make sense?

I also think we should try to be in this universe while still feeling immortal together. I don't know how, but I think that's a big thing we need to work on. I can't live in a fantasy-I get antsy and bored just like if the relationship were stagnant in a bad way...this is just a pleasurable place we're stuck...which makes it harder. And I know-I KNOW-we can be happy and blissful while in reality.

Baby, it's going to be hard to be in this relationship while we're miles and miles away. It's going to be even harder to make this relationship grow during this time apart. I know we can get through this healthily and together. IF that is what we want to be. And that IS what I want right now. I'm willing to give this my all (not all my attention, but my all while we're working at things) if you are. And that isn't a threat, that's a promise. Make sense?

And besides, I see you in a little more than six weeks.

We'll be fine.

Sincerely,
Your Lover

This is different than senior year.

I am not floundering hopelessly. I'm figuring things out. By the end of this, I will have everything figured out, but right now it is still a process--I cannot blame myself for errors in my recent past.

I deserve to get into a good school.

I am talented enough to pursue a career in theatre.

I WILL get into a good school with a good theatre program.

I WILL get into a BFA program.

I WILL find a school that is right for me.

I WILL learn while I am in college.

I WILL have a good time, no matter where I go.

Remember this, Heather. It is all true and you know it.

I need to start over in my life.

You should blog your adventures, when you aren't busy saving the world.

just to let you know, I would still love you forever if you never gave me another backrub.

hard to believe, ain't it?

now THAT is what we call true love. <3

I was really excited about you today. Not over the top, just happy you were in my life. I was planning out a surprise for you. And I called you, and everything sucked. I felt like we took a thousand steps backwards in our relationship. I really don't think Mira is good for you sometimes. A lot of the time she is good for you. I hesitate to say most of the time, but possibly. I can't be there to watch, and I don't want to be. I also know a lot of this is my own fucked up jealousy. When all you have is me, it's an ego boost as well as super security in our relationship. But seriously, the other people...other than Mira...I don't trust them in your life. I just think you could do better.

And I really do think that, while you're around other people, you stop acting like you respect me. I don't know if you just don't respect me, or if you forget how, or if it's just too overwhelming. If it's too overwhelming, find a way to make it not so. Tell people not to talk to you while you're on the phone. Tell me you'll call me when you're not in the situation. I don't care. I would rather that then feeling like I'm shit under your shoe.

And it would have been awfully nice to call me before I went to bed. I didn't need to talk. I'm fucking tired as all get out as is. I just wanted that fucking gesture from you. I wanted to feel like you cared. Like I'm actually your girlfriend. But once again, I'm lower than dirt.

(didn't your phone die earlier? couldn't you use someone else's phone?)

So thanks, Emily. Just like a few months ago sobbing over my computer because I'm trying-and failing-to force compassion out of you.

I make myself feel terrible enough, I don't need you to do it too.

I LOVE YOU!!!

I love impromptu visits and turning around illegally to see my one true love.

Let's get married! To each other! When we're ready!






Now what are we gonna do about healthcare???

I was perusing facebook today, and looking at Chelsea's pictures from all my ex-friends' first week in Ithaca, and actually getting really pissed off.

So I took a moment to cool my jets, and slowly talked myself into a solution.

I know they are there, talking about me. I'd be incredibly vain to say I was the majority of their conversation (though if it turned out that was true, it wouldn't surprise me). The point is, they've talked about me. They will talk about me. They are all pissed at me. A friendship has formed between Chelsea and Danielle before through mutual exasperation of me (Chelsea told me), and now I believe the same is true for Chelsea and Cristin.

And know what? I'm glad. In our last remaining moments as good friends, Chelsea confided in me that she was worried about having Cristin as her roommate this year. Not just about Cristin's unstable brain and how it could affect Chelsea (good or bad; Chelsea likes having someone to take care of), but also because of a lack of mutual interests and conversation topics. It is hard, Chelsea told me, to have a conversation with Cristin that is not awkward.

Well, now they will have something to bond over. Their hatred/dislike of me.

And I am honestly happy.

Because this one bonding topic could lead them into other things, and help them be good, lifelong friends. Or at least good roommates. I don't expect their whole relationship to revolve around the topic of my horribleness, but for it to be a kick start into other things.

And this is really the only way to approach this whole situation without it driving me crazy.

I'm not going to rub it in their faces, I'm not even going to share it with anyone but you. But this simple knowledge/epiphany/outlook is exactly what I needed to make my blood stop boiling.

And I think now I'm able to actually start letting it go for good.

What I've learned over the past 6+ years is that every single person has baggage. And that baggage includes some sort of self-angst. What you need to do is find someone who has baggage you can relate to and deal with and try to help out on some level. And they need to be willing to do the same with you. What you need to look out for is when their baggage becomes too much to handle, and they need to be willing to let you go when that happens. But the most important part is being able to let someone go when your baggage is too much for them.





(a slight epiphany/commentary loosely influenced by my failed relationships with Courtney, Jo, Laura, Kate, Danielle, and Chelsea and my successful relationship with you. All of these relationships have been learning experiences and have helped me shape my outlook on people. I was going to post this as a note on Facebook, but I felt it was a bit too obvious with the Chelsea thing going on. I just needed a place to put it and another eye to see it and give me feedback. Oh, and by the way, I love you.)

you are so pretty

Nostalgia, Disappointment, Depression.

Today I used one of the two free Speedway drink coupons that I had planned on using on one of those magical nights with you.

I'm slowly letting the hopes slip through my fingers.

(I shouldn't have counted on you making everything better over the summer)

Last night, I made you out to be something better than you are. When we spoke on the phone, I was incredibly disappointed.

Today I'm making you out to be something terrible. Something not to be trusted. Something never to learn from her mistakes. Something I need to back away from.

(I should have known to not be around you when you got responsible. I should have known that you'd have to get used to it. You couldn't just jump in scheduling with me and dividing the travel)

I'm letting you go, because I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend things are perfect, anymore than I can pretend they'll become perfect.

I'm not going to call or text as much anymore. I don't want to feel disappointed. I've done nearly a year and a half of that, and it's sucked equally the entire time. I don't want to sit here and cry and think that you're the only person that can make me feel better, even if that is true.

I'm letting you go, slowly, not because I'm losing you, or falling out of love, but because I can't live for those few good times anymore...



I'm not breaking up with you. I still love you and like you far too much...but you are slowly, inevitably, losing me.

I kinda miss secretly corresponding to you through blogs...

Quiet,
My darling,
We'll be home soon.
Safe,
In my arms,
You'll be.

Quiet,
My darling,
I'll get to you.
And once,
Again,
I'll be...

Home.

I was just looking at pictures of you on facebook and got randomly jealous of the one with you and Kate. I think it's because you're actually happy in that picture, and I feel like it's obvious that you two had a history.

(I know I have nothing to worry about.)

And then I noticed that I don't like pictures of me with you. I feel like I look/am acting fake. Trying to diverge your attention to only me so that you don't see the amazingness that the world has to offer. You only see me (you have no choice) and I'm fully aware that I'm getting your full attention. It's weird. Look at the pic from Pride where I'm attacking you and the caption or a comment or something is "distress!" I'm pulling your attention away from whatever you were doing, but my eyes are still kind of on the camera. I think that picture says a lot.

I'm writing this down so I can change and be a better person. Especially with you.

I still get upset when you do stuff(that makes you not sober).

I've just gotten better at hiding my reaction and ignoring those feelings.

My mind is blank.

It is rather a relief after so much loudness.

I used to be obsessed with the fact that I didn't think in words and I never stopped thought.

Before that I was obsessed with the fact that I could never keep anyone I called "best friend"

And before that I was obsessed with the thought that I was reincarnated from Marie Romanov (sister of Anastasia, who was reincarnated as Courtney Dracon)

Do all obsessions end this way: slow degradation into oblivion? Is what I'm thinking now going to be a silly reminiscence soon in the future?


My fingers tingle and my brain is quiet and I think it has less to do with the alcohol and more to do with the need. I've needed this for so long. The release, the quiet, the relaxation, the feeling...


I wish you were here, I really do. I didn't realize it until my fingers started typing that sentence without my brain realizing it. I need you in my life and neither one of us knows how much.

Craziness, isn't it?


I love you.






Come here.